Anonymous said...
Rev I need some advice. I got this big amazon of a woman to give me her number the other day. I really didn't want it but it was fun to see if I could succeed in getting an engaged chic to go to the dark side. Now that I've succeded how do I get rid of the monstrosity? I truely fear for my life, shes huge!
dear an...us,
b...b...b...brother, the rrw apologizes for not responding to your crisis more expeditiously. i saw the word chic and thought that you had a fashion emergency. let me start the mentoring by informing you that chick is spelled with the letter k. whenever the letter k is present one may postulate that the the author is writing about a young and usually unmarried woman. chic, on the other hand, simply means stylish.
now for the important lesson, let me preach on it.....
n...n...n...never ever use your mojo for the wrong reasons. eveyone knows that a married man appears more attractive to the opposite sex. it's because he is no longer using his wiles to try to charm maidens. he unintentionally ignores their deepest desire; for some young man to make a fool of himself because he is so beguiled by their feminine beauty. you see my brother, since you genuinely were not interested in this amazon, you had no trouble trying to get her phone number. your indifference toward her, gave you the 'married man' appeal. you even admitted that the the act of getting her phone number was an enjoyable challenge. now here's the scary part my brother; amazons need loving too. this amazon is going to tear you apart, and you probably deserve it. however, let me assure you that it will not kill you. the torture that you are about to experience is all mental. you may even consider it worse than death, but this too shall pass.
m...m...m...my brother ike godsey, once had a similar experience. ike claims that there was no physical contact, however just being held captive, in close proximity to the brutish beast, left him mentally and sexually incompetent for three years. now, let me be the first to say that your amazon already looks like mrs. america in comparison to brother ike's stalker. the worst part is that she still is after his ass. the local game wardens told him four years ago "to go ahead and give her some, so she would leave him alone." but ike would not listen, fortunately you now have that chance. go ahead and get the deed out of your way. with a six pack of malt liquor in you, let your amazon take what she wants and be done with you. you have dug a deep hole, but if you follow the rrw's advice, we may soon have you seeing the light again. (and not just around novelty.)
peace out!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
road rage
Road Rage Wife said...
RRW, I have a wife that just can't drive without getting mad or flipping someone off. She just gets so mad if something doesn't go her way. She drives way to close and has almost had several accidents. I am at the point now that we go on seperate vehicles. I can't stand riding with her. I have almost been tempted to not pay her car payment so that they will come and re-po it. I am just afraid that she will start driving my car or ride with me.
dear road hard and put up whipped,
t...t...t...this is yet another question from a man that does not wear the pants around the house.
let me preach on it....
y...y...y...you write that "she gets so mad if something doesn't go her way." this reminds me of jenny's black panther boyfriend in "forrest gump, " and we all recall the way forrest took it to his ass after mr. black panther slapped jenny. unfortunately your wife doesn't have lyndon b. johnson provoking her, or forrest gump to keep her in line.
d...d...d...don't ask her to slow down and quit tailgating, tell her not to. my brother, you said that you are the one making the payments on her vehicle. why in the wide, wide world of sports would you not be the one making the rules for driving the vehicle for which you're paying?? her bad driving has almost caused several accidents and it seems that she may be close to literally having a rear-ender. the crack of her assing getting ran into by the toe of your boot. and make damn sure that they have to call in the "jaws of wife." ha!
b...b...b...but i digress. dr. phil and oprah would tell you to sit down and talk to her. not only would this be cathartic, it may also be informative. they would say that your wife may not know that she is a bad driver. thus, informing her of her bad habits may be helpful and an emotional purgation for you. but the rrw is here to tell you the truth. there is no need to pussy foot around, and i don't mean that your boot slightly missed her big ole ass, i simply mean that somebody needs to tell you the truth. be a man! be the man!! you don't need to be some pansy riding around on his bike because he is scared to ride with his wife. put your foot down, (or up) and tell her what you're going to do. tell her what she is going to do. don't let her take out frivolous warrants on your good neighbors. tell her to take that handicap sticker off her pt cruiser. unless of course, you took my advice and the "jaws of life" wasn't successfull in the extraction of your boot from her ass. i am embarassed for you, but if you take the rrw's advice you'll be the boss in no time.
peace out!
RRW, I have a wife that just can't drive without getting mad or flipping someone off. She just gets so mad if something doesn't go her way. She drives way to close and has almost had several accidents. I am at the point now that we go on seperate vehicles. I can't stand riding with her. I have almost been tempted to not pay her car payment so that they will come and re-po it. I am just afraid that she will start driving my car or ride with me.
dear road hard and put up whipped,
t...t...t...this is yet another question from a man that does not wear the pants around the house.
let me preach on it....
y...y...y...you write that "she gets so mad if something doesn't go her way." this reminds me of jenny's black panther boyfriend in "forrest gump, " and we all recall the way forrest took it to his ass after mr. black panther slapped jenny. unfortunately your wife doesn't have lyndon b. johnson provoking her, or forrest gump to keep her in line.
d...d...d...don't ask her to slow down and quit tailgating, tell her not to. my brother, you said that you are the one making the payments on her vehicle. why in the wide, wide world of sports would you not be the one making the rules for driving the vehicle for which you're paying?? her bad driving has almost caused several accidents and it seems that she may be close to literally having a rear-ender. the crack of her assing getting ran into by the toe of your boot. and make damn sure that they have to call in the "jaws of wife." ha!
b...b...b...but i digress. dr. phil and oprah would tell you to sit down and talk to her. not only would this be cathartic, it may also be informative. they would say that your wife may not know that she is a bad driver. thus, informing her of her bad habits may be helpful and an emotional purgation for you. but the rrw is here to tell you the truth. there is no need to pussy foot around, and i don't mean that your boot slightly missed her big ole ass, i simply mean that somebody needs to tell you the truth. be a man! be the man!! you don't need to be some pansy riding around on his bike because he is scared to ride with his wife. put your foot down, (or up) and tell her what you're going to do. tell her what she is going to do. don't let her take out frivolous warrants on your good neighbors. tell her to take that handicap sticker off her pt cruiser. unless of course, you took my advice and the "jaws of life" wasn't successfull in the extraction of your boot from her ass. i am embarassed for you, but if you take the rrw's advice you'll be the boss in no time.
peace out!
Friday, January 18, 2008
car advice
Car shopper said...
Looking to buy a car! Should I get a Ford, Chevrolet or Toyota.
dear car shopper,
i...i...i...i think you left out a little information. how can i help you make an informed decision without knowing: marital status, number of kids, how many deer carcasses you haul in an average hunting season, do you plan to transport any granite monument markers to the cliffs and toss them in 200 feet of water, do you want tinted windows, do you need a rear end with positive traction to aide in dual tire-grass skid marks, do you travel gravel lanes and need a vehicle that is less than seven feet wide??
let me preach on it.....
Looking to buy a car! Should I get a Ford, Chevrolet or Toyota.
dear car shopper,
i...i...i...i think you left out a little information. how can i help you make an informed decision without knowing: marital status, number of kids, how many deer carcasses you haul in an average hunting season, do you plan to transport any granite monument markers to the cliffs and toss them in 200 feet of water, do you want tinted windows, do you need a rear end with positive traction to aide in dual tire-grass skid marks, do you travel gravel lanes and need a vehicle that is less than seven feet wide??
let me preach on it.....
u...u...u...unless you're michael waltrip out on a leisurely sunday drive, let's avoid the toyota. actually, especially if you're michael waltrip; avoid the toyota. i know that the bible says that the apostles drove a honda, (acts 2:1 "And when the day of Pentecost was fully come, they were all in one accord .......") but the rrw would whole heartedly recommend that you buy an american car. i know that the 'rice burners' may get up to 50 miles per gallon, but nothing says "i buy american" like a 300 feet per gallon suv. the only vehicle that comes to mind, is a cadillac escalade. if you want a vehicle that you can drive to church on sundays. a vehicle that says "bad ass on board." a vehicle that says "i'm not the type of pansy that would drive a 1984 camaro for 24 years," buy a cadillac.
o...o...o...of course both ford and chevy have comparable suvs. but, if you want to win a good ole fashion police brutality lawsuit, the cadillac escalade with tinted windows is the answer. with those windows tinted, most any police officer will assume that you're either a pimp or a drug dealer, and they are sure to administer an ass whipping resulting in punity damages nearing six figures. (if you need a lawyer, i would highly recommend will davis of rocky mount. the last two dumbasses i saw him cross examine, he exposed them as liars and their testimony as inane
dribble.) the tinted windows may also help when some asshole attempts to blind you with his backyard spotlight, alleviating the need for the positive traction as you will be able to maintain control of your cadillac.
i hope this helps. peace out!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
pimping
bumper butt said...
rrw, i have pimples on my butt, my wife is getting grossed out. she said that i have to get this fixed. i do not want to go to the doctor about a few bumps on my butt. she is really the one that is a bump on my ass.
dear butt,
t...t...t...the first thing i would like to know is, are you a pimp or a john? you see my brother, the pimp is the boss. the big daddy, and the pimp daddy is large and in charge. just like the rrw. the 'john' would be another name for the customer. in the scheme of this hooker metaphor, the one that is furthest down the totem pole. the pe-on. (sometimes literally) i'm sure everyone knows a 'john' that is constantly eager to please his wife in any manner necessary. a man that is told what to do by his wife, and with a smile says "yes dear."
let me preach on it....
t...t...t...this 'john' is a spineless nutsack. since 'john' has no say over what goes on in his own house, he is constantly trying to assert an imaginary power over others. 'john' does want to own the tallest castle in town, but he will never be able to build it. so 'john' must go around trying to tear everyone else's castle down. unfortunately for 'john', the voices will never let him succeed. 'john' will always be a miserable, litigious coward. 'john' will prey on the innocence of the righteous and attempt to intimidate them with hate and lies. 'john' will initimidate them so much, that they would not even piss on him if his flaming arse ignited. and needless to say, 'john' will never in his lifetime make enough friends to alleviate the burden of his wife paying the pallbearers at his own funeral.
w...w...w...we both know that this letter is not a question regarding some pimple on your backside. this is a plea for help, regarding your wife's constant challenging to your front side, and i would suggest that you grow a pair there. yes my brother, do not be a 'john.' be the pimp daddy. tell your bossy wife, to pucker up in observance of the mistletoe over the crack of your ass. if you don't act now, you'll just end up another 'john' being carried to his final resting plot, by hired strangers.
peace out!
rrw, i have pimples on my butt, my wife is getting grossed out. she said that i have to get this fixed. i do not want to go to the doctor about a few bumps on my butt. she is really the one that is a bump on my ass.
dear butt,
t...t...t...the first thing i would like to know is, are you a pimp or a john? you see my brother, the pimp is the boss. the big daddy, and the pimp daddy is large and in charge. just like the rrw. the 'john' would be another name for the customer. in the scheme of this hooker metaphor, the one that is furthest down the totem pole. the pe-on. (sometimes literally) i'm sure everyone knows a 'john' that is constantly eager to please his wife in any manner necessary. a man that is told what to do by his wife, and with a smile says "yes dear."
let me preach on it....
t...t...t...this 'john' is a spineless nutsack. since 'john' has no say over what goes on in his own house, he is constantly trying to assert an imaginary power over others. 'john' does want to own the tallest castle in town, but he will never be able to build it. so 'john' must go around trying to tear everyone else's castle down. unfortunately for 'john', the voices will never let him succeed. 'john' will always be a miserable, litigious coward. 'john' will prey on the innocence of the righteous and attempt to intimidate them with hate and lies. 'john' will initimidate them so much, that they would not even piss on him if his flaming arse ignited. and needless to say, 'john' will never in his lifetime make enough friends to alleviate the burden of his wife paying the pallbearers at his own funeral.
w...w...w...we both know that this letter is not a question regarding some pimple on your backside. this is a plea for help, regarding your wife's constant challenging to your front side, and i would suggest that you grow a pair there. yes my brother, do not be a 'john.' be the pimp daddy. tell your bossy wife, to pucker up in observance of the mistletoe over the crack of your ass. if you don't act now, you'll just end up another 'john' being carried to his final resting plot, by hired strangers.
peace out!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
love and war
Loving Dad said...
Rev, I have an 18 year old son that is getting ready to join the armed forces. He will be going to fight the war in IRAQ. I have had a talk with him and found out that he is a virgin. I am divorced from his mother and she and I have different beliefs. I want him to go to war a man. I have offered to hook him up with a experienced woman. I haven't been involved with this woman, so I don't see this as a problem. He is up for this and his mother is threating to take me to court. Does she have a case? I don't think that this is wrong. If something happens to him over there and he is killed, I want him to have that experience.
dear l.d.,
y...y...y...you sound like a real winner. i can't believe that you're first wife ever let you get away. the issue with which i have the biggest problem is the fact that you believe your son is not a man until he has gratuitous sex with some hoochie momma, quite possilbly infesting his genital area with a plethora of sexually transmitted diseases.
let me preach on it......
w...w...w...what in the wide, wide world of sports is going on over at your house? i would love to ease drop on the nightly conversations around your dinner table.
"hey dad, i'm going to iraq."
"son, have you ever donkey punched a woman?"
"no dad, but i have conquered dungeons and dragons."
"son, i've got this slutty friend that will welcome you to manhood and quite possibly masterbation asphyxiation."
"gee dad, you're the greatest!"
y...y...y...you had better get your tux rented for the father of the year banquet, cause i am officially nominating you. my buddy camped out at toys-r-us for ten hours, to buy a wii for his children. but you my friend are going the extra mile. you're shopping at whores-r-us, to buy something for his wee-wee. ok, maybe i'm being a little tough on l.d. let me speak to your common sense for a moment.
d...d...d...did you stop to think that there maybe a reason that your son is still a virgin? if your son is having a difficult time talking to women, you are pushing him in the wrong direction with a mature cougar. a sexual relationship is alot like life, you've got to go out and work for it. even the uggliest men alive have the ability to seduce a godess. look at seal and heidi klum. mick jagger. david copperfield. these men couldn't get laid if they crawled up a chicken's ass and waited, but at some point in their life they learned what they needed to do, to attract members of the female persuasion. you're son needs to mature on his own, at his own pace. if he does go to war, he'll be facing life or death situations. situations that he will need to conquer on his own. let the boy be his own man!
y...y...y...you're wife has no basis for legal action, afterall you said that your son is 18. i think the main drama hinges on the fact that she knows this to be a stupid idea. now, if you would kindly email me the phone number and a 5x8 picture of your friend, and i will speak to her in person. she sounds like a woman that really loves her county, and is willing to give a little experience to some g.i. the rrw has got some experience too, and maybe i'd be willing to share with a patriot like her.
peace out!
Rev, I have an 18 year old son that is getting ready to join the armed forces. He will be going to fight the war in IRAQ. I have had a talk with him and found out that he is a virgin. I am divorced from his mother and she and I have different beliefs. I want him to go to war a man. I have offered to hook him up with a experienced woman. I haven't been involved with this woman, so I don't see this as a problem. He is up for this and his mother is threating to take me to court. Does she have a case? I don't think that this is wrong. If something happens to him over there and he is killed, I want him to have that experience.
dear l.d.,
y...y...y...you sound like a real winner. i can't believe that you're first wife ever let you get away. the issue with which i have the biggest problem is the fact that you believe your son is not a man until he has gratuitous sex with some hoochie momma, quite possilbly infesting his genital area with a plethora of sexually transmitted diseases.
let me preach on it......
w...w...w...what in the wide, wide world of sports is going on over at your house? i would love to ease drop on the nightly conversations around your dinner table.
"hey dad, i'm going to iraq."
"son, have you ever donkey punched a woman?"
"no dad, but i have conquered dungeons and dragons."
"son, i've got this slutty friend that will welcome you to manhood and quite possibly masterbation asphyxiation."
"gee dad, you're the greatest!"
y...y...y...you had better get your tux rented for the father of the year banquet, cause i am officially nominating you. my buddy camped out at toys-r-us for ten hours, to buy a wii for his children. but you my friend are going the extra mile. you're shopping at whores-r-us, to buy something for his wee-wee. ok, maybe i'm being a little tough on l.d. let me speak to your common sense for a moment.
d...d...d...did you stop to think that there maybe a reason that your son is still a virgin? if your son is having a difficult time talking to women, you are pushing him in the wrong direction with a mature cougar. a sexual relationship is alot like life, you've got to go out and work for it. even the uggliest men alive have the ability to seduce a godess. look at seal and heidi klum. mick jagger. david copperfield. these men couldn't get laid if they crawled up a chicken's ass and waited, but at some point in their life they learned what they needed to do, to attract members of the female persuasion. you're son needs to mature on his own, at his own pace. if he does go to war, he'll be facing life or death situations. situations that he will need to conquer on his own. let the boy be his own man!
y...y...y...you're wife has no basis for legal action, afterall you said that your son is 18. i think the main drama hinges on the fact that she knows this to be a stupid idea. now, if you would kindly email me the phone number and a 5x8 picture of your friend, and i will speak to her in person. she sounds like a woman that really loves her county, and is willing to give a little experience to some g.i. the rrw has got some experience too, and maybe i'd be willing to share with a patriot like her.
peace out!
Friday, January 11, 2008
knock, knock; "drew's" there....
axe the co-worker said...
Dear RRW, first of all, I enjoy your advice.....Now I need help. I have this co worker named "Drew" and he has a slight crush on me. I do not knock on back doors and I don't pack fudge. He has made several remarks about the pants that I am wearing and has asked me to go to bars to help him find someone. He even makes excuses to call me at home or on my cell. PLEASE HELP ME! I know that I am not reading into this.
dear axe,
you did not mention this in your question, but i'm going to assume from your homophobic metaphors that you both are men. the rrw has absolutely no experience in the advice i am about to distribute, but there is an old saying "it takes one to know one," that i think would be appropriate in this case.
let me preach on it......
i...i...i...i'm not saying that you're a gay. i'm just saying that you don't know yet. over the years, the rrw has completely changed his perception of male homosexuals. as i have grown older and completely aware of my sexual orientation, i have lost all phobias about being around any member of the gay community. you must understand my brother, that most gay men have, what is known as, a "gaydar" capable of locating other gay men. and you have shown up on drew's like a wwII dirigible. and of course i mean the noun, not the adjective. ha!
i...i...i...i would implore that you not be a dumbaxe, just consider the benefits of an alternative lifestyle. the first thing that comes to mind, is an awesome wardrobe. gay men simply dress better. they have a better sense of style, afterall there is no television program called "redneck eye for the straight guy." (bubba to jim bob, 'i think we need to put a tree stand in this corner of his blaze orange kitchen.') gay men have better hygiene. you now get to have the latest hair style. maybe even some highlights. you also get to bathe twice a day. this is what elimnated the rrw from an alternative lifestyle. now for the most important quality, the one that will appease your grandchildless mother. gay men are successful. there, i said it...it's a stereotype that we all have, but sit for a moment and take inventory of all the gay men that you know. (pause) like i said, successful.
t...t...t...the rrw would usually dispense advice like, "don't crap where you eat." that would simply mean, that one shouldn't date a coworker. but as mixed up as you seem to be, i would advise for you to "ride the tide." you should understand, that other than the anal intercourse, there is practically no reason why you shouldn't atleast give "drew" a chance. now that you've been fired from g.e., and you've gotten thrown out of court, you can ride your bicycle over to his house, for some daily man love......
peace out!
Dear RRW, first of all, I enjoy your advice.....Now I need help. I have this co worker named "Drew" and he has a slight crush on me. I do not knock on back doors and I don't pack fudge. He has made several remarks about the pants that I am wearing and has asked me to go to bars to help him find someone. He even makes excuses to call me at home or on my cell. PLEASE HELP ME! I know that I am not reading into this.
dear axe,
you did not mention this in your question, but i'm going to assume from your homophobic metaphors that you both are men. the rrw has absolutely no experience in the advice i am about to distribute, but there is an old saying "it takes one to know one," that i think would be appropriate in this case.
let me preach on it......
i...i...i...i'm not saying that you're a gay. i'm just saying that you don't know yet. over the years, the rrw has completely changed his perception of male homosexuals. as i have grown older and completely aware of my sexual orientation, i have lost all phobias about being around any member of the gay community. you must understand my brother, that most gay men have, what is known as, a "gaydar" capable of locating other gay men. and you have shown up on drew's like a wwII dirigible. and of course i mean the noun, not the adjective. ha!
i...i...i...i would implore that you not be a dumbaxe, just consider the benefits of an alternative lifestyle. the first thing that comes to mind, is an awesome wardrobe. gay men simply dress better. they have a better sense of style, afterall there is no television program called "redneck eye for the straight guy." (bubba to jim bob, 'i think we need to put a tree stand in this corner of his blaze orange kitchen.') gay men have better hygiene. you now get to have the latest hair style. maybe even some highlights. you also get to bathe twice a day. this is what elimnated the rrw from an alternative lifestyle. now for the most important quality, the one that will appease your grandchildless mother. gay men are successful. there, i said it...it's a stereotype that we all have, but sit for a moment and take inventory of all the gay men that you know. (pause) like i said, successful.
t...t...t...the rrw would usually dispense advice like, "don't crap where you eat." that would simply mean, that one shouldn't date a coworker. but as mixed up as you seem to be, i would advise for you to "ride the tide." you should understand, that other than the anal intercourse, there is practically no reason why you shouldn't atleast give "drew" a chance. now that you've been fired from g.e., and you've gotten thrown out of court, you can ride your bicycle over to his house, for some daily man love......
peace out!
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
the outlaws
Anonymous said...
LIVING IN IN-LAW HELL.....RRW...PLEASE HELP! i can not stand my in-laws...i hate going to their family "DIS-functions" and when i refuse i need to get some cheese out to go with his (my spouses) whining! IF i have to go how do i PRETEND to have a good time?
dear an...us,
i think what we need to establish, is the reason why you hate going to the in-law's family functions. there is a specific reason that we need to isolate and deal with here. even kids can find something to do to occupy themselves for a while. what i'm saying is, there is no reason why you can't find something at these functions, that is fun to do. something to help pass the time.
let me preach on it.....
f...f...f...family relationships is very important to any marriage. in other words, you need to get along with the in-laws, my sister. just be glad that you don't have to sit with your twin sister-in-laws and pretend that one of them is not satan incarnate. pretend is the key word here. you can pretend that you don't know that she has tightened more nuts than a sear's socket set. when you've had enough of her repulsive appearance, you can then look at the other sister and pretend that your wife will one day, inherit her wardrobe and feel compelled to drop a couple of dress sizes and try to squeeze into it. also, try pretending that you have no desire to choke the piss out of your mother-in-law just for taking in oxygen.
if all else fails, may i suggest that you try a little of that 'wine' to which you alluded earlier. with a bottle of granny's home made wine elixir, you'll be glad to let mother-in-law preach her tainted version of the gospel. sister-in-law number one will lose the pitch fork and she'll appear as angelic as her twin. but you must be careful with the elixir my sister, too much and you'll be wrestling with your father-in-law, out in the front yard with your shirts off. a wrestling match that will take place with you wearing a luchadore mask you picked up in cancun, and your father-in-law wearing your old hooter's shorts. in any case, it will be a christmas to remember. and at least they will never invite you to another 'dysfuction' again.
peace out!
LIVING IN IN-LAW HELL.....RRW...PLEASE HELP! i can not stand my in-laws...i hate going to their family "DIS-functions" and when i refuse i need to get some cheese out to go with his (my spouses) whining! IF i have to go how do i PRETEND to have a good time?
dear an...us,
i think what we need to establish, is the reason why you hate going to the in-law's family functions. there is a specific reason that we need to isolate and deal with here. even kids can find something to do to occupy themselves for a while. what i'm saying is, there is no reason why you can't find something at these functions, that is fun to do. something to help pass the time.
let me preach on it.....
f...f...f...family relationships is very important to any marriage. in other words, you need to get along with the in-laws, my sister. just be glad that you don't have to sit with your twin sister-in-laws and pretend that one of them is not satan incarnate. pretend is the key word here. you can pretend that you don't know that she has tightened more nuts than a sear's socket set. when you've had enough of her repulsive appearance, you can then look at the other sister and pretend that your wife will one day, inherit her wardrobe and feel compelled to drop a couple of dress sizes and try to squeeze into it. also, try pretending that you have no desire to choke the piss out of your mother-in-law just for taking in oxygen.
if all else fails, may i suggest that you try a little of that 'wine' to which you alluded earlier. with a bottle of granny's home made wine elixir, you'll be glad to let mother-in-law preach her tainted version of the gospel. sister-in-law number one will lose the pitch fork and she'll appear as angelic as her twin. but you must be careful with the elixir my sister, too much and you'll be wrestling with your father-in-law, out in the front yard with your shirts off. a wrestling match that will take place with you wearing a luchadore mask you picked up in cancun, and your father-in-law wearing your old hooter's shorts. in any case, it will be a christmas to remember. and at least they will never invite you to another 'dysfuction' again.
peace out!
peep show
luck is gone said...
Reverend, seems I was the luckiest person. See, I live in this subdivision and the houses are pretty close together. My neighbor is probably 35 years old, unmarried, BEAUTIFUL, beyond words. She has the body of a model. She doesn't seem to know how to close her blinds in her house. You see, every morning, I sit at my kitchen table, with my newspaper and cup of coffee. I make my wife believe that for an hour I am reading the paper. Well, I am actually getting the best show ever. I am able to watch her shower and get dressed for her day. My son has now realized what is going on. He now wants to be a part of the morning routine. The wife has figured this out. How do I get my mornings back the way things were. I really miss my show.
dear goner,
l...l...l...let me get this straight. you want advice on how you can continue to violate this poor woman's privacy, with your voyeuristic viewing? what are you thinking my brother? you don't sound like a very smart man, you probably don't read that fast either. i will try to type this slowly, so you can keep up....o.k here we go, i've got three words for you v h s..... as in vhs recorder. you should have already taken action and had the morning ritual on video tape.
let me preach on it....
i...i...i...i'm not saying your neighbor deserves to be spied on daily, i'm just saying that if you innocently got a free peep show one morning, you should have made your own 'girls gone wild video.' then kept a copy for yourself. that is, if you're neighbor is as bodacious as you claim. now my brother, you're sitting there eating your cheerios with your wife keeping lookout, and don't have one penny to show for your all your effort. it does sound like to me, that you have messed up a good thing, but let's look at the bright side, you now have more time to spend doting on your wife. ha! as for your son, you need to launch a boot missile toward the crack of his assghanistan, because i'm sure that he's the one that got you caught by your misses.
u...u...u...unfotunately, your mornings will never go back to "the way things were," but it's never too late to start a new morning ritual. tomorrow when you're perusing your paper and drinking your morning coffee with your wife keeping watch, kindly write down your neighbor's address, and mail it to the rrw along with a 5x8 photo. i guarandamntee those blinds will be closed in a few days. and when she finally does leave her house, pay no attention to her walking bowlegged. i really appreciate the information.......
peace out!
Reverend, seems I was the luckiest person. See, I live in this subdivision and the houses are pretty close together. My neighbor is probably 35 years old, unmarried, BEAUTIFUL, beyond words. She has the body of a model. She doesn't seem to know how to close her blinds in her house. You see, every morning, I sit at my kitchen table, with my newspaper and cup of coffee. I make my wife believe that for an hour I am reading the paper. Well, I am actually getting the best show ever. I am able to watch her shower and get dressed for her day. My son has now realized what is going on. He now wants to be a part of the morning routine. The wife has figured this out. How do I get my mornings back the way things were. I really miss my show.
dear goner,
l...l...l...let me get this straight. you want advice on how you can continue to violate this poor woman's privacy, with your voyeuristic viewing? what are you thinking my brother? you don't sound like a very smart man, you probably don't read that fast either. i will try to type this slowly, so you can keep up....o.k here we go, i've got three words for you v h s..... as in vhs recorder. you should have already taken action and had the morning ritual on video tape.
let me preach on it....
i...i...i...i'm not saying your neighbor deserves to be spied on daily, i'm just saying that if you innocently got a free peep show one morning, you should have made your own 'girls gone wild video.' then kept a copy for yourself. that is, if you're neighbor is as bodacious as you claim. now my brother, you're sitting there eating your cheerios with your wife keeping lookout, and don't have one penny to show for your all your effort. it does sound like to me, that you have messed up a good thing, but let's look at the bright side, you now have more time to spend doting on your wife. ha! as for your son, you need to launch a boot missile toward the crack of his assghanistan, because i'm sure that he's the one that got you caught by your misses.
u...u...u...unfotunately, your mornings will never go back to "the way things were," but it's never too late to start a new morning ritual. tomorrow when you're perusing your paper and drinking your morning coffee with your wife keeping watch, kindly write down your neighbor's address, and mail it to the rrw along with a 5x8 photo. i guarandamntee those blinds will be closed in a few days. and when she finally does leave her house, pay no attention to her walking bowlegged. i really appreciate the information.......
peace out!
Sunday, January 6, 2008
a size sexy
crying over fat said...
rev, i have been with the same woman for 15 years. picture this, a size 6 in a sexy thong to an elephant in a not so sexy pair of granny panties. i have thought about asking her to have that surgery, you know, the one where you lose all that weight. please help me with my "FAT" problem!
dear crying,
the same woman for 15 years? i don't know whether to say congratulations or give my condolences. the rrw has never been able to keep the same woman for 15 months, but i think that i may be able to help you my brother!
let me preach on it.....
t...t...t...the first thing that you need to change is your perception of sexy. a skinny little size six is not a turn on, unless you live in some third world country where they marry their 13 year old cousins. trust me my brother, there is nothing sexier than a curvacious queen with a double digit dress size, that looks upstairs, like a dead heat in a zeppelin race. i don't know about you, but the rrw likes his womens to have fun bags that, during an act of circus sex, could possibly cause a concussion. forget smoking a cigarette after sex, the only place you can get the good morphine is at the emergency room. and why in hell would a piece of dental floss in the crack of some skinny little ass be a temptation? unless of course you wanted to play dentist. "excuse me miss, it seems you have a cavity" ha!
n...n...n...now as for the surgery, also known as gastroplasty or gastric bypass. gastroplasty combines the process of stomach stapling and a polypropylene mesh band around the opening of the created pouch. as most of the gastrointestinal tract is left intact, there are few micronutrient deficiencies, and initial weight loss is good. you will be a small chick in relatively no time. yet after long-term observance of gastroplasty, there have been many patients that have regained weight. surgery alone is insufficient - patients must change their lifestyle and eating habits or this procedure can be compromised.
over time, the pouch can dilate and serve as an increased reservoir, along for higher caloric intake and consequent weight gain. also, if your grandma doesn't make your payments on time, the hospital may repossess your surgery. since some patients have also experienced complications such as severe heartburn or erosion of the mesh, and other procedures have had dramatic successes, the popularity of gastroplasty has suffered in the us of a. also it can become quite expenive to buy unitards, to wear under your clothing, to hide all the lose skin. which is a repulsive thought. damn! i hope from now on, when you describe your wife, you will use the adjective 'phat,' because she sounds like a sexy seductress to the rrw!
peace out!
rev, i have been with the same woman for 15 years. picture this, a size 6 in a sexy thong to an elephant in a not so sexy pair of granny panties. i have thought about asking her to have that surgery, you know, the one where you lose all that weight. please help me with my "FAT" problem!
dear crying,
the same woman for 15 years? i don't know whether to say congratulations or give my condolences. the rrw has never been able to keep the same woman for 15 months, but i think that i may be able to help you my brother!
let me preach on it.....
t...t...t...the first thing that you need to change is your perception of sexy. a skinny little size six is not a turn on, unless you live in some third world country where they marry their 13 year old cousins. trust me my brother, there is nothing sexier than a curvacious queen with a double digit dress size, that looks upstairs, like a dead heat in a zeppelin race. i don't know about you, but the rrw likes his womens to have fun bags that, during an act of circus sex, could possibly cause a concussion. forget smoking a cigarette after sex, the only place you can get the good morphine is at the emergency room. and why in hell would a piece of dental floss in the crack of some skinny little ass be a temptation? unless of course you wanted to play dentist. "excuse me miss, it seems you have a cavity" ha!
n...n...n...now as for the surgery, also known as gastroplasty or gastric bypass. gastroplasty combines the process of stomach stapling and a polypropylene mesh band around the opening of the created pouch. as most of the gastrointestinal tract is left intact, there are few micronutrient deficiencies, and initial weight loss is good. you will be a small chick in relatively no time. yet after long-term observance of gastroplasty, there have been many patients that have regained weight. surgery alone is insufficient - patients must change their lifestyle and eating habits or this procedure can be compromised.
over time, the pouch can dilate and serve as an increased reservoir, along for higher caloric intake and consequent weight gain. also, if your grandma doesn't make your payments on time, the hospital may repossess your surgery. since some patients have also experienced complications such as severe heartburn or erosion of the mesh, and other procedures have had dramatic successes, the popularity of gastroplasty has suffered in the us of a. also it can become quite expenive to buy unitards, to wear under your clothing, to hide all the lose skin. which is a repulsive thought. damn! i hope from now on, when you describe your wife, you will use the adjective 'phat,' because she sounds like a sexy seductress to the rrw!
peace out!
Thursday, January 3, 2008
trial and error
"the path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. ....... i will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers." Ezekiel 25:17
it's the rrw's experience that people get what they deserve. after careful reflection upon today's events, i can honestly attest to that fact.
let me preach on it.....
one of my neighbors, tyler hunt was accused of wreckless driving on an atv, assault and vulgar threats. i couldn't imagine that this young man, who is from a wonderful family and is an honor student at a local college, could possibly be guilty of such things, so i had to see the trial for myself. all three charges stem from one incident. becky mushko was the first to take the stand as a witness for the prosecution. this was the first mistake for the commonwealth's attorney. mushko gave a 'too' polished description of the incident, that in my opinion was not very believable. this is a re-creation of what becky mushko claim happened.....
my opinion of polished proved to not be the case, when upon cross examination, the defense lawyer pointed out several inconsistencies in her testimony. becky mushko, testified that she saw the defendant only in the rearview mirror and that he said 'mother fucker.' later she contradicted herself by saying that she could not hear the defendant say anything and that she only saw him from the rear glass of the truck cab, and not the rearview mirror. the judge had to admonish the witness on several occasions. at one point the judge demanded to becky mushko that "we just need an answer not a paragraph" when becky tried to embellish testimony to the defense lawyer's question. the judge also had to remind becky mushko twice, that "when i speak, nobody speaks." this was due to her constant interuption of the judge. one of mushko's finer moments was when she walked infront of the judge to physically describe the manner that mr. hunt allegedly threatened her. becky mushko stood infront of the courtroom/judge, bent slightly forward and immitated a body builder flexing his shoulders and neck. i couldn't help to chuckle thinking that, with her army olive jogging pants and top, she looked like the incredible hulk in drag. well atleast from the backside. the front view must have been equally humerous judging from the commonwealth's and the defense attorney's countenances.
surprisingly, her's was not the most damning testimony from a prosecution witness! becky's husband john mushko took the stand next. keep in mind that the entire case against tyler hunt was based on these two witnesses. before the testimony began, john mushko asked if he may tape the proceedings. it was not allowed. i have to wonder why the prosecution would even prosecute this case, after hearing his testimony. upon sitting in the witness stand, john mushko glared at tyler hunt for about 10 seconds. this did not escape the judge's attention or the defense lawyer's, who pointed out that "mushko was staring daggers at the defendant." this was obviously a frivilous law suit, brought against a young man that mushko testified that he did not "particularly like." during cross examination, the defense picked apart john mushko's testimony point by point. mushko himself testified that the incident was not "intentional" and that it was just two vehicles, both traveling "in the center of a gravel lane," swerving to avoid each other. now why the hell would one neighbor get a warrant against another for this?? if the driver (john mushko) of one of the vehicles doesn't think that any laws were broken, why would he let his wife (a passenger) swear out a warrant?? it was pointed out by the defense, that the defendant's father had a previous encounter with john mushko, and it became painfully obvious to all; this was revenge. the judge immediately dismissed two of the three charges against tyler hunt without even hearing the defense's witness. he then reduced the wreckless driving charge to driving an atv on a state road.
the most credible of the witnesses was the defense witness, tracy david. mr. david was hunting in camoflauge, within 40 yards of the incident. in fact, the young defendant was driving his atv to speak with mr. david, when the incident occured. it also became obvious that the mushkos did not know that there was a witness. tracy david spoke simple fact, and i had no doubt that the testimony that he gave was the absolute truth. a testimony that was completely different than the account given by the mushkos. i will be surpised if charges of purgery are not brought against the mushkos. i can only assume that the mushkos will be forced to repay the defendant, the court and the commonwealth for this frivilous warrant.
what did everyone deserve? tyler hunt, the defendant deserved the justice he recieved, and a little more. i saw him leave with a might fine young woman, and i had to wonder what he did to deserve that. i guess you've got to go to hell before you can get to heaven. speaking of hell, i saw with what john mushko had to leave, and nobody deserves that. the mushko's got their day in court, after all, every dog has their day, and today that dog deserved the $575 fine that becky received, payable whenever she wants a new tombstone......
peace out!
it's the rrw's experience that people get what they deserve. after careful reflection upon today's events, i can honestly attest to that fact.
let me preach on it.....
one of my neighbors, tyler hunt was accused of wreckless driving on an atv, assault and vulgar threats. i couldn't imagine that this young man, who is from a wonderful family and is an honor student at a local college, could possibly be guilty of such things, so i had to see the trial for myself. all three charges stem from one incident. becky mushko was the first to take the stand as a witness for the prosecution. this was the first mistake for the commonwealth's attorney. mushko gave a 'too' polished description of the incident, that in my opinion was not very believable. this is a re-creation of what becky mushko claim happened.....
my opinion of polished proved to not be the case, when upon cross examination, the defense lawyer pointed out several inconsistencies in her testimony. becky mushko, testified that she saw the defendant only in the rearview mirror and that he said 'mother fucker.' later she contradicted herself by saying that she could not hear the defendant say anything and that she only saw him from the rear glass of the truck cab, and not the rearview mirror. the judge had to admonish the witness on several occasions. at one point the judge demanded to becky mushko that "we just need an answer not a paragraph" when becky tried to embellish testimony to the defense lawyer's question. the judge also had to remind becky mushko twice, that "when i speak, nobody speaks." this was due to her constant interuption of the judge. one of mushko's finer moments was when she walked infront of the judge to physically describe the manner that mr. hunt allegedly threatened her. becky mushko stood infront of the courtroom/judge, bent slightly forward and immitated a body builder flexing his shoulders and neck. i couldn't help to chuckle thinking that, with her army olive jogging pants and top, she looked like the incredible hulk in drag. well atleast from the backside. the front view must have been equally humerous judging from the commonwealth's and the defense attorney's countenances.surprisingly, her's was not the most damning testimony from a prosecution witness! becky's husband john mushko took the stand next. keep in mind that the entire case against tyler hunt was based on these two witnesses. before the testimony began, john mushko asked if he may tape the proceedings. it was not allowed. i have to wonder why the prosecution would even prosecute this case, after hearing his testimony. upon sitting in the witness stand, john mushko glared at tyler hunt for about 10 seconds. this did not escape the judge's attention or the defense lawyer's, who pointed out that "mushko was staring daggers at the defendant." this was obviously a frivilous law suit, brought against a young man that mushko testified that he did not "particularly like." during cross examination, the defense picked apart john mushko's testimony point by point. mushko himself testified that the incident was not "intentional" and that it was just two vehicles, both traveling "in the center of a gravel lane," swerving to avoid each other. now why the hell would one neighbor get a warrant against another for this?? if the driver (john mushko) of one of the vehicles doesn't think that any laws were broken, why would he let his wife (a passenger) swear out a warrant?? it was pointed out by the defense, that the defendant's father had a previous encounter with john mushko, and it became painfully obvious to all; this was revenge. the judge immediately dismissed two of the three charges against tyler hunt without even hearing the defense's witness. he then reduced the wreckless driving charge to driving an atv on a state road.
the most credible of the witnesses was the defense witness, tracy david. mr. david was hunting in camoflauge, within 40 yards of the incident. in fact, the young defendant was driving his atv to speak with mr. david, when the incident occured. it also became obvious that the mushkos did not know that there was a witness. tracy david spoke simple fact, and i had no doubt that the testimony that he gave was the absolute truth. a testimony that was completely different than the account given by the mushkos. i will be surpised if charges of purgery are not brought against the mushkos. i can only assume that the mushkos will be forced to repay the defendant, the court and the commonwealth for this frivilous warrant.
what did everyone deserve? tyler hunt, the defendant deserved the justice he recieved, and a little more. i saw him leave with a might fine young woman, and i had to wonder what he did to deserve that. i guess you've got to go to hell before you can get to heaven. speaking of hell, i saw with what john mushko had to leave, and nobody deserves that. the mushko's got their day in court, after all, every dog has their day, and today that dog deserved the $575 fine that becky received, payable whenever she wants a new tombstone......
peace out!
sick about this
sick about this said...
Oh, please help me sir.... I heard that you had this web site set up to help those in need. I have just been to the doctor and I have tested positive for herpes. I have only been having relations with my husband and when I confronted him about this he swears that he hasn't been with anyone else and that I have some how picked this up from public toilets.
dear valtrex,
do you have change for this 25 dollar bill? i need it to buy some beach front property in utah, that a unicorn told me about. i hope you're picking up what i'm putting down....
let me preach on it.....
n...n...n...nine out of ten doctors that i asked, said that it is impossible to contract the most common herpes viruses , herpes simplex virus type 1 (hsv-1) and herpes simplex virus type 2 (hsv-2), from any toilet. the other doctor, my dentist, said that your husband has been banging some hoochie momma like a cheap gong.
usually hsv-1 causes cold sores or fever blisters on or around the lips and hsv-2 affects areas below the waist, causing genital herpes. but both hsv-1 and hsv-2 viruses can cause herpes outbreaks in either area. hsv-1 infection of the genitals is caused by oral-genital or genital-genital contact with a person who has hsv-1 infection. a person can only get hsv-2 infection during sexual contact with someone who has a genital hsv-2 infection. in plain english, he's been donkey punching somebody else, maybe even someone with a cold sore. damn!
it does appear that your husband has an atavistic tic for beaver wrestling, but it is time for you to test his mathematical ability. make a list of all his financial assets, put that list in front of him, and ask him if he can divide it in half. then from his half, subtract pain and suffering for giving your 'sisters' blisters, and punity damages for the lies and deceit. when he's finished with the mathematical equation, kindly ask him to take his financial goose egg and his genital infection and leave your house. and please, don't be so gullible in the future!
peace out!
Oh, please help me sir.... I heard that you had this web site set up to help those in need. I have just been to the doctor and I have tested positive for herpes. I have only been having relations with my husband and when I confronted him about this he swears that he hasn't been with anyone else and that I have some how picked this up from public toilets.
dear valtrex,
do you have change for this 25 dollar bill? i need it to buy some beach front property in utah, that a unicorn told me about. i hope you're picking up what i'm putting down....
let me preach on it.....
n...n...n...nine out of ten doctors that i asked, said that it is impossible to contract the most common herpes viruses , herpes simplex virus type 1 (hsv-1) and herpes simplex virus type 2 (hsv-2), from any toilet. the other doctor, my dentist, said that your husband has been banging some hoochie momma like a cheap gong.
usually hsv-1 causes cold sores or fever blisters on or around the lips and hsv-2 affects areas below the waist, causing genital herpes. but both hsv-1 and hsv-2 viruses can cause herpes outbreaks in either area. hsv-1 infection of the genitals is caused by oral-genital or genital-genital contact with a person who has hsv-1 infection. a person can only get hsv-2 infection during sexual contact with someone who has a genital hsv-2 infection. in plain english, he's been donkey punching somebody else, maybe even someone with a cold sore. damn!
it does appear that your husband has an atavistic tic for beaver wrestling, but it is time for you to test his mathematical ability. make a list of all his financial assets, put that list in front of him, and ask him if he can divide it in half. then from his half, subtract pain and suffering for giving your 'sisters' blisters, and punity damages for the lies and deceit. when he's finished with the mathematical equation, kindly ask him to take his financial goose egg and his genital infection and leave your house. and please, don't be so gullible in the future!
peace out!
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
triple nipple
triple nipple said...
RRW, I am so excited about you helping your children..... I am having this problem, I have a third nipple. Do women have problems adjusting to this. I am a widowed man and was with my wife for 45 years. She passed away 2 years ago and I am getting very lonely. I am thinking about dating, but I am scared of what women will think. Should I have this removed or do you think that it will be okay?
dear nippy,
i am very sorry to hear about your deceased wife. although it sounds as if you're ready to begin dating, i would caution you about dating in today's world. it sure as hell ain't what it used to be, fortunately for you, my brother, you have come to the guru of wooing for advice.....
let me preach on it.......
when it comes to dating, the rrw has been around the block more times than some paranoid neighbor chasing his own tale (dog eat dog). my vast experience will have you back on the tugboat to tuna town in time. so let's get to it.
there is no medical need for a man to have a superfluous nipple removed. so wear it loud and wear it proud my brother. i know what you're thinking, 'what does the rrw know about having extra growths?' but you would be erroneous. with my hand on the bible, i promise that i too have, not only an extra nipple, but an extra berry to go with an extra long twig. if you're picking up what i'm putting down! trust me when i say, that these growths have not been a hinderance at all. in fact, in some cases, they have added to the sexual circus appeal of the rrw.
now for the hard part; you will be quick to learn, that the ladies of today's dating world have a tendency to be a bit more agressive than 45 years ago. in addition to theses eager cougars of courtship, there is also the short haired sporty type. be aware of this one my brother. if a woman knows more about football than you, can chug a beer faster than you and has a rosie o'donnell tatoo, you'd only be waisting your time, so run like hell.
my brother, just come out to our revival to get a good, church going woman. but beware, there may be an athesist lurking. they are easily recognizable, just look for the geratric boy look-a-like with a stick up her ass.
peace out!
RRW, I am so excited about you helping your children..... I am having this problem, I have a third nipple. Do women have problems adjusting to this. I am a widowed man and was with my wife for 45 years. She passed away 2 years ago and I am getting very lonely. I am thinking about dating, but I am scared of what women will think. Should I have this removed or do you think that it will be okay?
dear nippy,
i am very sorry to hear about your deceased wife. although it sounds as if you're ready to begin dating, i would caution you about dating in today's world. it sure as hell ain't what it used to be, fortunately for you, my brother, you have come to the guru of wooing for advice.....
let me preach on it.......
when it comes to dating, the rrw has been around the block more times than some paranoid neighbor chasing his own tale (dog eat dog). my vast experience will have you back on the tugboat to tuna town in time. so let's get to it.
there is no medical need for a man to have a superfluous nipple removed. so wear it loud and wear it proud my brother. i know what you're thinking, 'what does the rrw know about having extra growths?' but you would be erroneous. with my hand on the bible, i promise that i too have, not only an extra nipple, but an extra berry to go with an extra long twig. if you're picking up what i'm putting down! trust me when i say, that these growths have not been a hinderance at all. in fact, in some cases, they have added to the sexual circus appeal of the rrw.
now for the hard part; you will be quick to learn, that the ladies of today's dating world have a tendency to be a bit more agressive than 45 years ago. in addition to theses eager cougars of courtship, there is also the short haired sporty type. be aware of this one my brother. if a woman knows more about football than you, can chug a beer faster than you and has a rosie o'donnell tatoo, you'd only be waisting your time, so run like hell.
my brother, just come out to our revival to get a good, church going woman. but beware, there may be an athesist lurking. they are easily recognizable, just look for the geratric boy look-a-like with a stick up her ass.
peace out!
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