car advice

Car shopper said...
Looking to buy a car! Should I get a Ford, Chevrolet or Toyota.

dear car shopper,
i...i...i...i think you left out a little information. how can i help you make an informed decision without knowing: marital status, number of kids, how many deer carcasses you haul in an average hunting season, do you plan to transport any granite monument markers to the cliffs and toss them in 200 feet of water, do you want tinted windows, do you need a rear end with positive traction to aide in dual tire-grass skid marks, do you travel gravel lanes and need a vehicle that is less than seven feet wide??
let me preach on it.....

u...u...u...unless you're michael waltrip out on a leisurely sunday drive, let's avoid the toyota. actually, especially if you're michael waltrip; avoid the toyota. i know that the bible says that the apostles drove a honda, (acts 2:1 "And when the day of Pentecost was fully come, they were all in one accord .......") but the rrw would whole heartedly recommend that you buy an american car. i know that the 'rice burners' may get up to 50 miles per gallon, but nothing says "i buy american" like a 300 feet per gallon suv. the only vehicle that comes to mind, is a cadillac escalade. if you want a vehicle that you can drive to church on sundays. a vehicle that says "bad ass on board." a vehicle that says "i'm not the type of pansy that would drive a 1984 camaro for 24 years," buy a cadillac.

o...o...o...of course both ford and chevy have comparable suvs. but, if you want to win a good ole fashion police brutality lawsuit, the cadillac escalade with tinted windows is the answer. with those windows tinted, most any police officer will assume that you're either a pimp or a drug dealer, and they are sure to administer an ass whipping resulting in punity damages nearing six figures. (if you need a lawyer, i would highly recommend will davis of rocky mount. the last two dumbasses i saw him cross examine, he exposed them as liars and their testimony as inane
dribble.) the tinted windows may also help when some asshole attempts to blind you with his backyard spotlight, alleviating the need for the positive traction as you will be able to maintain control of your cadillac.
i hope this helps. peace out!