holiday advice

Christmas Bell said...
Reverend, I need some advice! I have a book that that was given to me as a gift.... I am in no way in need of this gift. How do I kindly give this gift back without hurting ones feelings?

n...n...n...now let me preach on it.....

dear bell,
it seems you are too stressed during this holiday season. stress is the main reason the rrw celebrates kwanzaa. it's hard to get too worked up when you're mixing mad dog 20/20 and malt liquor. plus we get a whole week to celebrate the lord's birth, you don't have to worry about squeezing everything into one day. besides, why should you be worried about hurting someone else's feelings, because they gave you the wrong gift? what kind of person even gives a book for christmas?? it sounds like to me they stopped in the bookstore at the airport, and bought you something off the 1/2 price shelf, just in front of the cash register. they probably stained the first three pages with their latte, perusing the intro. hell, it might be even worse than that. i personally know people that will give self help books, as if they are trying to help you to improve yourself. whether you want the improvement or not. this means they actually took the time to go out and hunt down that perfect christmas gift that implies, "i want to help you become the person that i am." and it's usually a subject they feign omniscience? remember, those that can...do, and those that can't teach.
also my sister, i would really love to know, about what subject was the book written? and why do you want to give it back?? if the gift was that far out of line, may i suggest re-gifting it. nothing is more of a formal middle finger than actually taking a crappy book and highlighting the most enigmatic passages, folding the corners of the those particular pages and then in your own handwriting, adding "i thought this would help", or "this reminded me of you" or best of all "i prayed you would take this to heart, when i read this." (for best effect, drop some visine randomly, around those highlighted pages) and give it right back to them on the very next occasion.
there is also one other possibility...there are those who are actually interested in a particular subject, and are too myoptic to realize that not everyone enjoys "the art of dumpster diving" or even "more peevish advice" come to think of it, the people who would give presents like these usually don't have any friends to give gifts. are atheist and don't celebrate christmas. or, have their head too far up their own ass to realize what time of the year it is anyway...
soooo... i guess that leaves only one possible reason for the needless book... it was a joke. i can only hope that your family of 30 plus, got a good laugh, reading the 'tongue and cheek' choke fest. i personally prefer writings that are actually humorous. guess i'll leave that to the college educated.
peace out!