new born advice

Pet Ralph said...
Reverend, My husband and I just had our first child.... We have a house dog named Ralph, he is very jealous of the baby and we can't leave him alone with our baby. How do we get our dog to be friendly with our baby?

dear pet,
leave him alone with baby? i know that the children are our future, but why in the wide, wide world of sports would you leave your dog to babysit your new born? not even whitney's that much of a crackhead. one of your problems, is that you have mistaken your dog for a real human being.
let me preach on it.....

n...n...n...now the rrw is an animal lover. don't get me wrong, i'm not one of those bleeding heart animal activist. in fact, i couldn't care less that some owl, out in oregon is about to become extinct. hell, maybe i would get involved if chicken was on the endangered species list. none the less, what i really mean by animal lover, is dog lover. i love dogs. i have raised seven from puppies, and buried some of the best friends i could ever imagine to have. but as much love as i have had for my dogs, i never made the mistake of treating them as anything other than a dog. in fact, a properly trained dog is so much more enjoyable for the entire family. obviously you can't build a time machine and go back and re-train your puppy, but it is never to late to start training ralph (if that is his real name) to be more obedient.
one thing you failed to mention was the breed of the dog. believe it or not, my actual advice would change depending upon your particular breed of dog. for example: a rott weiler, would have a tendency to be a nurturer, if you were having problems between a rotty and your kid, the dog may have to go. a chihuahua, on the other hand, would have the initial appearance of a 'bully', but grow to become very protective of your infant. a great dane would confuse the breast milk on your baby's breath, with the 'peanut butter parties' the two of you had, before you met your husband. it would be somewhat embarassing for your dog's 'tube of lipstick' to become exposed everytime you tried to naturally nourish your baby. you'd probably want to get rid of him because when you'd be lactating, ralphie would be salivating, if you're picking up what i'm putting down...
in reality, you probably have no need to worry, my sister. as the dynamics of your family evolve, each individual member will adapt to meet their changing role, unless of course you actually are leaving your infant alone with your dog. if that is the case, adoption may be your only option. although i'd recommend it for the kid......
peace out!

exorcism advice

who's your daddy asked.....
Randy Watson, who's your daddy here..... I would like to see if you could come out and perform an exorcism? I don't live to far from the Holy Land.

dear daddy,
this is the exact situation, from which the rrw intentionally tries to steer clear. however, i can't turn my back on a faithful reader...

let me preach on it.....
w...w...w...what in the hell do you have running around your neighborhood my brother?? i haven't run across a whole lot of problems that a boot to the crack of the ass wouldn't solve, but it sounds to me, as if you need some divine guidance. ok, here we go....since you live so close to the holy land, maybe you have access to some holy water. we need some high octane holy water too, if you're picking up what i'm putting down. once you've secured the 'holy water', consume approximately three fingers.
now, to perform the rite, the exorcist dresses in his surplice and purple stole. the ritual of exorcism is mostly a series of prayers, statements and appeals. these prayers are loosely broken down into the "imploring formula," in which the priest asks God to free the subject from the devil and the "imperative formula," in which the priest demands in the name of God that the devil leave the subject's body. with the holy water already being used, it's now time for the most important part of the ritual, the laying of hands. this is where the rrw's ritual differs greatly from the orthodox version. it is my experience that the drop kicking of ass, through the goal post of life, is a far more effective method of deliverance. in other words the demon may be compelled to leave through the more traditional steps, but with the swift and holy foot of God, delivered by the exorcist, we will have your neighborhood demon free by dawn, my brother.
we need to meet up and practice this ceremony in great detail. i have an old family grave, on a neighbor's property, that i have the legal right to visit at any time. maybe you can meet me there on saturday to go over the rite. isn't it great how virginia allows descendants of the desceased access to the land, even if it is posted? not just access, but a right of way through the entire property. God bless america.
peace out!

more holiday advice

I am a Jewell said...
RRW, How do I get my wife to have more sex with me?

dear jewell brown jr,
r...r...r...remeber when men talk sex to women, its sexual harassment; but when women talk sex to men it's usually $3.95 per minute. so you need to be very careful, my brother, with this particular subject.
let me preach on it....
rule number one is to remember, beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. you may have to apply some malt liquor to the situation. with a six pack in her, you'll look like a farm boy fabio. this will take care of your problem, assuming your problem is your repulsive appearance.
which brings me to the next possibility. your wife might not like you taking such a limp log to the beaver. but, don't be too embarassed by this my brother. with today's advances in medicine, a simple prescription from you family physician, will have your flagpole at full mast in no time. on a personal note, don't go looking at disgusting porn on the internet. if you run across the wrong picture, you may develop a mental scar that no amount of viagra can help. after you have taken care of the first two challenges, it's time to send your children to chuck e. cheese's with grandma, and break out the kinky toys. there is an industrial size ky jelly available for your oversized anal beads, assuming that you retrieved them, re-attached the withdrawl chord and washed them off after last use.....
if neither of these help your situation, we must explore the possibility, that your wife may be a player for the other team. say what?? i know that no man wants to admit that his woman prefers beaver wrestling to the donkey punch, but it's still better than one of my poor neighbors, that is forced to dress like a masochistic canine.
peace out!

holiday advice continued

First Time Mom asked.....
Reverend, Since you are getting questions from the congregation, I also have one. I am expecting a child in April, I would like to have him circumcised. Is this something that you can do? In my religion, we have to have this done on the 7th day after birth. I will be willing to travel to your location or to your church to get this done. Please advise.

n...n...n...now let me preach on it.....

dear first,
h...h...h...hell no. that's a big n to the o.
let me ask you a question. why would you want to scar this poor boy for life, no pun intended? you probably don't realize this, but the skin in that particular area has more nerve endings than in other part of the body, except the tongue. and i hope you wouldn't consider cutting that off too, loraina? plus, why would you want to start snipping off the extra length, before you even know how long it's going to be. in most cases, an extra inch would make the man a king. of course an inch less would make those same men a queen, but that's beside the point. ok where were we? during the world wars, the soldiers would spend weeks hunkered down in the trenches. the trench was the latrine, and without the means to bathe, the little soldier often suffered from various infections. it was noted that the soldiers circumcised, (because of religious beliefs) didn't suffer the same infections due to lack of hygiene. circumcision has become more prevelant and in some cases expected, but we live in day and time in which we have the opportunity and the means to bathe daily. in other words, take your time and make an informed decision about the snippity snip.
the rrw would recommend that you take a hard look at any religion that would expect a 7th day circumcision. in most cases doctors perform the 'simple proceudre' two or three days after birth, before any sensativity sets in. on a personal note my sister, the rrw was using his baseball bat seven days after my birth. if you're picking up what i'm putting down. why would you want to go and bench the young player right when he's just getting the swing of things, even if it is spring training? in addition your april baby will never be able to forgive you, regardless of therapy, for the ultimate april fool's day gaffe.
i do realize that there are certain religious rituals that you will need performed over your child's life, but i don't think i can help you out my sister. however, if your son turns out to be a daughter, and in 18 years turns out to be a foxy chocolate morsel, i think i can obligue.
peace out!

holiday advice

Christmas Bell said...
Reverend, I need some advice! I have a book that that was given to me as a gift.... I am in no way in need of this gift. How do I kindly give this gift back without hurting ones feelings?

n...n...n...now let me preach on it.....

dear bell,
it seems you are too stressed during this holiday season. stress is the main reason the rrw celebrates kwanzaa. it's hard to get too worked up when you're mixing mad dog 20/20 and malt liquor. plus we get a whole week to celebrate the lord's birth, you don't have to worry about squeezing everything into one day. besides, why should you be worried about hurting someone else's feelings, because they gave you the wrong gift? what kind of person even gives a book for christmas?? it sounds like to me they stopped in the bookstore at the airport, and bought you something off the 1/2 price shelf, just in front of the cash register. they probably stained the first three pages with their latte, perusing the intro. hell, it might be even worse than that. i personally know people that will give self help books, as if they are trying to help you to improve yourself. whether you want the improvement or not. this means they actually took the time to go out and hunt down that perfect christmas gift that implies, "i want to help you become the person that i am." and it's usually a subject they feign omniscience? remember, those that can...do, and those that can't teach.
also my sister, i would really love to know, about what subject was the book written? and why do you want to give it back?? if the gift was that far out of line, may i suggest re-gifting it. nothing is more of a formal middle finger than actually taking a crappy book and highlighting the most enigmatic passages, folding the corners of the those particular pages and then in your own handwriting, adding "i thought this would help", or "this reminded me of you" or best of all "i prayed you would take this to heart, when i read this." (for best effect, drop some visine randomly, around those highlighted pages) and give it right back to them on the very next occasion.
there is also one other possibility...there are those who are actually interested in a particular subject, and are too myoptic to realize that not everyone enjoys "the art of dumpster diving" or even "more peevish advice" come to think of it, the people who would give presents like these usually don't have any friends to give gifts. are atheist and don't celebrate christmas. or, have their head too far up their own ass to realize what time of the year it is anyway...
soooo... i guess that leaves only one possible reason for the needless book... it was a joke. i can only hope that your family of 30 plus, got a good laugh, reading the 'tongue and cheek' choke fest. i personally prefer writings that are actually humorous. guess i'll leave that to the college educated.
peace out!

dog eat dog world

of all the animal references, i would think that dog allusions would be the most numerous. this shouldn't surprise anyone, afterall dog is man's best friend. i'll bet you can name 10 dog commercials on tv. there is even a song asking 'who let the dogs out?' the rrw would say canines have earned their notoriety. but when your affection turns non-filial, brother you're barking up the wrong tree.
let me preach on it.....
n...n...n...now i know that when someone calls you a dog, it's usually a jocular way of saying that you did something dirty, usually to a member of the female persuasion. also known as; if you lay with a dog, you're going to get fleas. (i.e. finishing a night of pleasure, and then calling her a taxi. the rrw has done this twice, and the young sexual chocolates should trust me when i say, to avoid embarassment make sure that you didn't marry her the night before.) when a female starts a repetitive nag, usually toward their husband, we say they are bitching. bitch is a term used to describe the female dog. now the rrw has broken his boot off in the crack of a few asses for bitching, but the judge has always ruled against the 'no fault, irreconcilable differences,' and piled on the allimony. another embarassing moment. however, the most embarassing thing that i can imagine, is someone catching me acting out a sexual perversion with an imaginary dog. n...n...n...now i've acted out my fair share of perversions, but it sure as hell hasn't been with 'rover,' if you're picking up what i'm putting down.
i know a deprived man will do some strange things, but here's a freaky, little anecdote for you. keep in mind that this entire story is completely make believe.....once upon a time, a very colorful young man (let's just call him red) was doing his nightly walk. red was 7,469 feet from his house when he heard a strange noise coming from his neighbor's building. upon closer observation, red made out the silhouette, of the home owner (let's call him home-o for short), peering out of his building at red. it was at that very moment, the home-o began barking like a dog. in addition to barking, the home-o was yelling to the imaginary dog "down boy!", "sit!" and "don't attack!" wtf?? you may ask if the home-o's wife was present, ("down boy" and "don't attack" would be applicable commands to keep her from assaulting his anus) but according to red she was not. she would have known that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. this continued for nearly five minutes while red checked for the candid camera crew. later my milkman saw the same home-o laying on the ground, on his belly, behind a tree. the milkman watched the home-o for about the same length a time, (five minutes) then decided to shout his name. it was after the shout that the home-o gave him a flippant wave, as if to say "go on, i'm hiding." or maybe "shut up you idiot, she's after me." or probably even "make me a bird so i can fly far, far away." regardless the milkman should have let sleeping dogs lie. whatever the reasons for the home-o's wave, it's not hard to imagine the spiked, dog collar awaiting his capture and return to his home. a home were he definitely isn't top dog. maybe the home-o was just trying to avoid the dog days of summer, but he should've stayed on the porch, seeing how he couldn't run with the big dogs.
peace out!

a good book

i'm usually so busy ranting about some injustice, it seems that the rrw doesn't take enough time to let my sexual chocolates and other faithful readers know about some of the good books that i've read lately. for the most part, it seems that between my children, ex-wives, good friends and the church, the rrw has too much of a life to do much reading.
let me preach on it....
i...i...i...i'm not one of those people who have nothing else to do but, read a book and then take time to blog about it. however if i did become so excited about a novel i had just finished, i would probably pick up the phone and call one of the 127 numbers i've got stored on speed dial. (none are 911) i can't imagine being so pathetic that i would have to converse with an imaginery cyber audience. when i read the classic hans christian andersen book, the little mermaid, it felt like a major achievment. i still didn't see the need to start bragging to whomever would listen, that i just finished reading a book in danish. even when i graduated to tougher reads like den osynlige in swedish, or the man of la mancha, miguel de cervantes spanish novella, i just enjoyed my personal accomplishment and considered my self blessed to have that ability.
i remember this lady on the radio saying that she "was a college graduate," as if to say that she was better than the rrw, because she thougth that i wasn't. she was wrong on both accounts. although i do cherish my european college experience, i think that the greatest education that i have recieved was that book that i started reading when i was five. i still pick it up and read a few pages when i need a little help. the best selling book of all time, the holy bible.
i do have a tendency to seethe when i read a confirmed athiest, trying to flaunt her knowledge, by blogging about the books she has read. how intelligent can you be when refuse to acknowledge the great works of god? literary or otherwise? i know sometimes people appear to have no soul, but i assure you their soul is heading straight to hell. and guess what, when they die, it will not matter an iota what their college education might be, their chestnuts will be roasting over an open flame... do not pass go, do not collect $200. and you think that spotlight you're holding is giving off some heat....

the grinch

as christmas approaches, the rrw is really starting to get some of that yuletide cheer. i have so many good memories of this time of year. sure, there are a ton of dinners and parties to attend. lot's of people for which to buy gifts, but what i get in return is so much more. now, there was that one christmas when wife number four, stuffed my stockings with divorce papers, but for the most part, i have recieved in great quantity. that makes me feel blessed. can you imagine the day coming and going, without any giving??

let me preach on it....

there isn't alot of difference between the grinch and scrooge. they both hated christmas, with a passion. i suppose they were indifferent at one point, but after years of watching others enjoy the day, they came to abhor it. so on behalf of the neighborhood scrooges;
santa please send my neighbors .....a back brace for lifting heavy objects, like granite. the ability to steer a motorized vehicle. a life. some polarized sun glasses. a dumpster of their very own. a new outdoor toilet seat. an invitation to the revival. some grass seed. a 'stick up the ass' remover. 500 lbs. of granite. a new 1 on their speed dial, to replace the one that wore out. maybe just one friend. the ability to tell the truth on january 3rd. everything in the jenny craig catalog. extra strength prozac. a milkman of their own. camoflauge to sneek around undetected. a new spotlight. an adult size dog collar. an attraction to their wife.
and finally santa, i promise, that i have been a good boy for most of my adult life. if you would give my grinch neighbors just this one wish, it would make everyone so happy and i would never ask for another christmas gift. santa, would you please bring them a new neighborhood???

rectification

i wanted to reply to a recent blog reader's comment. "I was thinking at the next revival, we should....ask'em to come. Maybe they could shed some 'pissy' advice on us ....... Maybe then,....we could drive the evil spirits out of such people......."
let me preach on it.
f...f...f...first of all, i think that you're confusing evil spirits with ignorance. you see my brother, you can drive the demon from the temple, but ignorance is permanent. there is no deliverance from stupidity. however, as stated in an earlier post, the tree of life is self pruning. that means time will deliver us from them. no apples dropped from that tree....
n...n...n...now you can a dress a turd up, but it's still a brown, smelly turd. i don't care how much someone writes about themselves on their computer, that doesn't make it the gospel truth. plus, articfical intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. and we've already established this fact; there is no turd polish for stupid. so, when you do read about how many public appearances they have, keep in mind how shiny and polished the turd actually is. my brother you need to also look at how many 'worst awards' the horn tooter has, on that same web page. a group of writers, who actually have talent, felt the need to single out the peevish writings as the crap it is. plus, they engraved a plaque stating that: it was indeed the worst of all the miasmic crap that they had recieved, and/or ever read. i would direct you to that web page myself, but i fear a severe drop in your own intelligence.
the rrw hopes, that he has eased the mental anguish of this young, sexual chocolate. however, there will be no invitation to the revivial for the pieces of shit, regardless of how brightly polished they appear. pardon the alliteration, but there is no need trying to save the souls of these two satans, let's just ease the anxiety of alot of amaible individuals. ha!
peace out!

libertarian

i hope that most people understand the rrw's blog. i try to disect a stubborn situation, and then isolate the humor. the easiest place to find humor, is when you deal with someone that thinks very highly of themselves.....
let me preach on it!
n...n...n...now everyone has been around that relative/ acquaintance/ neighbor that thinks their shit actually omits an aroma similar to roses...the funny thing is, they usually spend a portion of their time, telling everyone what great things they've done or what great people they are. then spend most of their time getting ignored by others, who know better. the truth of the matter is, that it doesn't really matter how much lip service you give. the thing that counts most is what you actually do. and people do know the difference. i guess that's why the ones who 'toot their own horn' so much, are actually the lonliest of all. ironically the heroes, who donate the most, are usually the last to talk about themselves. i personally think it's because they have so much to give (not just financially) that it's almost second nature to help out. in other words, it's not really a big deal to them.
last saturday i got the chance to see first hand, a great community project, GUP ballpark. it made me think about my grandpa, my neighbors, and my name. things that are very important to me. these volunteers actually care about the community as much as i do, and they are doing something about it. i would like them to know, that i really appreciate their efforts. i guess we all take for granted the volunteers, the firemen, the emts. most of us pitch in, some through a raffle ticket, some choose to donate money. but the ones who donate their time actually provide the most important service. so, a big thank you is owed.
come to think of it, the giving is one of the things that i love about this small town. it's great to be, where everybody knows you. people stop to ask about your parents, your family. people actually know your history and have a vested interest in your life. they want to see you succeed. that's the way it is for me. up and down the road. even the new neighbors, the ones that move into the neighborhood to imbibe it's purity, quickly become friends. i would have to be a complete ignoramus to not fit in here, or at least go out of my way to be an asshole toward everyone. the worst possible thing would be to talk about how great of a person i am, then do absolutely nothing to benefit human kind. no support for anyone else at all. so why do these people think so highly of themselves??? i guess they have no friends to actually tell them the truth....
fortunately, i get to spend my days running across friends/ neighbors and just talking about the weather. i guess that's what makes me a local. a southerner. what you see is what you get. but do not push me, or any one of my friends. as soft spoken as we are, what you do not see, is that we will resist. i think that makes us libertarians not terrorists.
peace out!

i saw the light

novelty, virginia needs a driving school. for about five years, cars
have been unable to maintain control and drive in the actual road.
i have proof. just look to the right. what you don't see, is that if this car would have
continued without swerving back toward the road,
a poor, second hand toilet/flower pot, would have certainly paid the ultimate price. now why the hell would this occur? because of my broadcast innocence, the rrw needs to be the one to get to the bottom of this enigma.

let me preach on it...

n...n...n...now according to peevishpen.cry.wolf author, becky mushko, one local redneck (jp?) has been driving though her yard for years. she has not been fortunate enough to obtain proof, which in this country's legal system, is an important thing. for example, mushko can say on national radio that the rrw did not drive in her yard, but without concrete evidence, how does she really know? how can she prove beyond a reasonable doubt? but i digress, let me be the first to say, what is painfully obvious to the rest of us..... jp did not do it. wtf?? not jp??? shed some light , you beg??? light being the key word here.

you see, according to several neighbors, there is either a lighthouse at the location above, someone needs batman's help, or contact with the mothership is becoming increasingly more difficult. needless to say, it is almost impossible to drive a vehicle with some asshole shining a spot light directly into the driver's eyes. a spotlight that is being emitted directly from the mushko's back deck. i looked up the definition of irony, and this is it. although the rrw refers to this as 'getting what you deserve.' (a note to the illegal spotlighter) if you're worried about someone stealing the junk out of your back yard, put up a motion sensor for that area. i don't see the need to blind my retired father, while driving home from choir practice, with the incandescence of a super nova. however, if you're worried about people driving through your yard, don't add to the possible causes of traffic distraction. for example; spotlight in the eyes. big no-no....don't pillage your neighbor's trash until after they take it to the green box dumpster, and then put it on display for them to recognize, while driving.... and finally, you don't have to listen to the voices. i'm sure that 40 years of that man love has turned you a little schizo. but stand up and be a your own man! damn!
i do want to remind my faithful readers that anyone, under certain circumstances can be made to behave in a psychotic manner. plus i hate to let such a good pun go to waste, so to give responsibility to the person to blame, i am going to quote stephen king's novel, "the shining" (ha!) and say "hheeeere's johnny" (mushko) the man to blame......
peace out!

sympathy for the devil

the rrw never really considered that the rolling stones actually had any sympathy for the devil. just a catchy tune, with an unforgettable lyric about the kennedys. maybe keith richards thought that he was just one more line/pill away from meeting the devil himself, so he had better gain a little favor through chantey. who knows??? yesterday, the rrw got an actual taste of pity for the beast too.
let me preach on it.....
n...n...n...now as i sat at the hunting camp, eating a mighty fine beef and vegetable soup (may i request some vienna sausages next week?), the rrw had a moment of altruism. as we pulled in, i peered at the junkyard next door. locked down tight. but i could see a figure leering through a sheen curtain towards the 20, or so, hunters. now unless the 'heaven's gate cult' was there, in their nikes and purple sashes, awaiting the command to ingest the phenobarbital, because 'do' and 'tek' have finally spotted the space ship, there is no reason for the lock down, or the 60 minute ogling. yes 60 minutes...now the rrw remembers the miss black awareness pageant. i did my fair share of ogling. but let me assure you, not one of the 20 hunters, had the assests of the eventual winner and wife numbe five, laticia brown.
b...b...b...but i digress, back to my benevolence. as we sat and ate, it occured to me that not one of the hunters noticed the unwanted surveillance. infact, none of the hunters even mentioned the grim pair. there was only good hearted laughter, filled with some good brotherly vibes. sure, everyone there had a bond through hunting, but hunting is only a small part of their life. you see, these people are friends outside of the hunting camp, and needless to say, these individuals would enjoy getting together whether there was hunting involved or not. this is where the pity set in. i thought about the 'stalkers' across the road, and i couldn't imagine having nothing in my life, nothing other than hatred for the joyful. i couldn't imagine waisting an hour of my life, trying to embelish some action into a criminal act. i wondered, if i walked to the front door and offered a hug and bowl of soup, would that melt some of the cold, cold ice? then i thought about my brother ike's near death experience. (and he isn't nearly as handsome as the rrw) i then thought about how much i treasured my anal virginity, and decided we'd just pray for them at the revival.....
peace out!