car advice

Car shopper said...
Looking to buy a car! Should I get a Ford, Chevrolet or Toyota.

dear car shopper,
i...i...i...i think you left out a little information. how can i help you make an informed decision without knowing: marital status, number of kids, how many deer carcasses you haul in an average hunting season, do you plan to transport any granite monument markers to the cliffs and toss them in 200 feet of water, do you want tinted windows, do you need a rear end with positive traction to aide in dual tire-grass skid marks, do you travel gravel lanes and need a vehicle that is less than seven feet wide??
let me preach on it.....

u...u...u...unless you're michael waltrip out on a leisurely sunday drive, let's avoid the toyota. actually, especially if you're michael waltrip; avoid the toyota. i know that the bible says that the apostles drove a honda, (acts 2:1 "And when the day of Pentecost was fully come, they were all in one accord .......") but the rrw would whole heartedly recommend that you buy an american car. i know that the 'rice burners' may get up to 50 miles per gallon, but nothing says "i buy american" like a 300 feet per gallon suv. the only vehicle that comes to mind, is a cadillac escalade. if you want a vehicle that you can drive to church on sundays. a vehicle that says "bad ass on board." a vehicle that says "i'm not the type of pansy that would drive a 1984 camaro for 24 years," buy a cadillac.

o...o...o...of course both ford and chevy have comparable suvs. but, if you want to win a good ole fashion police brutality lawsuit, the cadillac escalade with tinted windows is the answer. with those windows tinted, most any police officer will assume that you're either a pimp or a drug dealer, and they are sure to administer an ass whipping resulting in punity damages nearing six figures. (if you need a lawyer, i would highly recommend will davis of rocky mount. the last two dumbasses i saw him cross examine, he exposed them as liars and their testimony as inane
dribble.) the tinted windows may also help when some asshole attempts to blind you with his backyard spotlight, alleviating the need for the positive traction as you will be able to maintain control of your cadillac.
i hope this helps. peace out!

pimping

bumper butt said...
rrw, i have pimples on my butt, my wife is getting grossed out. she said that i have to get this fixed. i do not want to go to the doctor about a few bumps on my butt. she is really the one that is a bump on my ass.

dear butt,
t...t...t...the first thing i would like to know is, are you a pimp or a john? you see my brother, the pimp is the boss. the big daddy, and the pimp daddy is large and in charge. just like the rrw. the 'john' would be another name for the customer. in the scheme of this hooker metaphor, the one that is furthest down the totem pole. the pe-on. (sometimes literally) i'm sure everyone knows a 'john' that is constantly eager to please his wife in any manner necessary. a man that is told what to do by his wife, and with a smile says "yes dear."
let me preach on it....

t...t...t...this 'john' is a spineless nutsack. since 'john' has no say over what goes on in his own house, he is constantly trying to assert an imaginary power over others. 'john' does want to own the tallest castle in town, but he will never be able to build it. so 'john' must go around trying to tear everyone else's castle down. unfortunately for 'john', the voices will never let him succeed. 'john' will always be a miserable, litigious coward. 'john' will prey on the innocence of the righteous and attempt to intimidate them with hate and lies. 'john' will initimidate them so much, that they would not even piss on him if his flaming arse ignited. and needless to say, 'john' will never in his lifetime make enough friends to alleviate the burden of his wife paying the pallbearers at his own funeral.

w...w...w...we both know that this letter is not a question regarding some pimple on your backside. this is a plea for help, regarding your wife's constant challenging to your front side, and i would suggest that you grow a pair there. yes my brother, do not be a 'john.' be the pimp daddy. tell your bossy wife, to pucker up in observance of the mistletoe over the crack of your ass. if you don't act now, you'll just end up another 'john' being carried to his final resting plot, by hired strangers.
peace out!

love and war

Loving Dad said...
Rev, I have an 18 year old son that is getting ready to join the armed forces. He will be going to fight the war in IRAQ. I have had a talk with him and found out that he is a virgin. I am divorced from his mother and she and I have different beliefs. I want him to go to war a man. I have offered to hook him up with a experienced woman. I haven't been involved with this woman, so I don't see this as a problem. He is up for this and his mother is threating to take me to court. Does she have a case? I don't think that this is wrong. If something happens to him over there and he is killed, I want him to have that experience.

dear l.d.,
y...y...y...you sound like a real winner. i can't believe that you're first wife ever let you get away. the issue with which i have the biggest problem is the fact that you believe your son is not a man until he has gratuitous sex with some hoochie momma, quite possilbly infesting his genital area with a plethora of sexually transmitted diseases.
let me preach on it......

w...w...w...what in the wide, wide world of sports is going on over at your house? i would love to ease drop on the nightly conversations around your dinner table.
"hey dad, i'm going to iraq."
"son, have you ever donkey punched a woman?"
"no dad, but i have conquered dungeons and dragons."
"son, i've got this slutty friend that will welcome you to manhood and quite possibly masterbation asphyxiation."
"gee dad, you're the greatest!"

y...y...y...you had better get your tux rented for the father of the year banquet, cause i am officially nominating you. my buddy camped out at toys-r-us for ten hours, to buy a wii for his children. but you my friend are going the extra mile. you're shopping at whores-r-us, to buy something for his wee-wee. ok, maybe i'm being a little tough on l.d. let me speak to your common sense for a moment.

d...d...d...did you stop to think that there maybe a reason that your son is still a virgin? if your son is having a difficult time talking to women, you are pushing him in the wrong direction with a mature cougar. a sexual relationship is alot like life, you've got to go out and work for it. even the uggliest men alive have the ability to seduce a godess. look at seal and heidi klum. mick jagger. david copperfield. these men couldn't get laid if they crawled up a chicken's ass and waited, but at some point in their life they learned what they needed to do, to attract members of the female persuasion. you're son needs to mature on his own, at his own pace. if he does go to war, he'll be facing life or death situations. situations that he will need to conquer on his own. let the boy be his own man!

y...y...y...you're wife has no basis for legal action, afterall you said that your son is 18. i think the main drama hinges on the fact that she knows this to be a stupid idea. now, if you would kindly email me the phone number and a 5x8 picture of your friend, and i will speak to her in person. she sounds like a woman that really loves her county, and is willing to give a little experience to some g.i. the rrw has got some experience too, and maybe i'd be willing to share with a patriot like her.
peace out!

knock, knock; "drew's" there....

axe the co-worker said...
Dear RRW, first of all, I enjoy your advice.....Now I need help. I have this co worker named "Drew" and he has a slight crush on me. I do not knock on back doors and I don't pack fudge. He has made several remarks about the pants that I am wearing and has asked me to go to bars to help him find someone. He even makes excuses to call me at home or on my cell. PLEASE HELP ME! I know that I am not reading into this.

dear axe,
you did not mention this in your question, but i'm going to assume from your homophobic metaphors that you both are men. the rrw has absolutely no experience in the advice i am about to distribute, but there is an old saying "it takes one to know one," that i think would be appropriate in this case.
let me preach on it......

i...i...i...i'm not saying that you're a gay. i'm just saying that you don't know yet. over the years, the rrw has completely changed his perception of male homosexuals. as i have grown older and completely aware of my sexual orientation, i have lost all phobias about being around any member of the gay community. you must understand my brother, that most gay men have, what is known as, a "gaydar" capable of locating other gay men. and you have shown up on drew's like a wwII dirigible. and of course i mean the noun, not the adjective. ha!

i...i...i...i would implore that you not be a dumbaxe, just consider the benefits of an alternative lifestyle. the first thing that comes to mind, is an awesome wardrobe. gay men simply dress better. they have a better sense of style, afterall there is no television program called "redneck eye for the straight guy." (bubba to jim bob, 'i think we need to put a tree stand in this corner of his blaze orange kitchen.') gay men have better hygiene. you now get to have the latest hair style. maybe even some highlights. you also get to bathe twice a day. this is what elimnated the rrw from an alternative lifestyle. now for the most important quality, the one that will appease your grandchildless mother. gay men are successful. there, i said it...it's a stereotype that we all have, but sit for a moment and take inventory of all the gay men that you know. (pause) like i said, successful.

t...t...t...the rrw would usually dispense advice like, "don't crap where you eat." that would simply mean, that one shouldn't date a coworker. but as mixed up as you seem to be, i would advise for you to "ride the tide." you should understand, that other than the anal intercourse, there is practically no reason why you shouldn't atleast give "drew" a chance. now that you've been fired from g.e., and you've gotten thrown out of court, you can ride your bicycle over to his house, for some daily man love......
peace out!

the outlaws

Anonymous said...
LIVING IN IN-LAW HELL.....RRW...PLEASE HELP! i can not stand my in-laws...i hate going to their family "DIS-functions" and when i refuse i need to get some cheese out to go with his (my spouses) whining! IF i have to go how do i PRETEND to have a good time?

dear an...us,
i think what we need to establish, is the reason why you hate going to the in-law's family functions. there is a specific reason that we need to isolate and deal with here. even kids can find something to do to occupy themselves for a while. what i'm saying is, there is no reason why you can't find something at these functions, that is fun to do. something to help pass the time.
let me preach on it.....

f...f...f...family relationships is very important to any marriage. in other words, you need to get along with the in-laws, my sister. just be glad that you don't have to sit with your twin sister-in-laws and pretend that one of them is not satan incarnate. pretend is the key word here. you can pretend that you don't know that she has tightened more nuts than a sear's socket set. when you've had enough of her repulsive appearance, you can then look at the other sister and pretend that your wife will one day, inherit her wardrobe and feel compelled to drop a couple of dress sizes and try to squeeze into it. also, try pretending that you have no desire to choke the piss out of your mother-in-law just for taking in oxygen.
if all else fails, may i suggest that you try a little of that 'wine' to which you alluded earlier. with a bottle of granny's home made wine elixir, you'll be glad to let mother-in-law preach her tainted version of the gospel. sister-in-law number one will lose the pitch fork and she'll appear as angelic as her twin. but you must be careful with the elixir my sister, too much and you'll be wrestling with your father-in-law, out in the front yard with your shirts off. a wrestling match that will take place with you wearing a luchadore mask you picked up in cancun, and your father-in-law wearing your old hooter's shorts. in any case, it will be a christmas to remember. and at least they will never invite you to another 'dysfuction' again.
peace out!

peep show

luck is gone said...
Reverend, seems I was the luckiest person. See, I live in this subdivision and the houses are pretty close together. My neighbor is probably 35 years old, unmarried, BEAUTIFUL, beyond words. She has the body of a model. She doesn't seem to know how to close her blinds in her house. You see, every morning, I sit at my kitchen table, with my newspaper and cup of coffee. I make my wife believe that for an hour I am reading the paper. Well, I am actually getting the best show ever. I am able to watch her shower and get dressed for her day. My son has now realized what is going on. He now wants to be a part of the morning routine. The wife has figured this out. How do I get my mornings back the way things were. I really miss my show.

dear goner,
l...l...l...let me get this straight. you want advice on how you can continue to violate this poor woman's privacy, with your voyeuristic viewing? what are you thinking my brother? you don't sound like a very smart man, you probably don't read that fast either. i will try to type this slowly, so you can keep up....o.k here we go, i've got three words for you v h s..... as in vhs recorder. you should have already taken action and had the morning ritual on video tape.
let me preach on it....
i...i...i...i'm not saying your neighbor deserves to be spied on daily, i'm just saying that if you innocently got a free peep show one morning, you should have made your own 'girls gone wild video.' then kept a copy for yourself. that is, if you're neighbor is as bodacious as you claim. now my brother, you're sitting there eating your cheerios with your wife keeping lookout, and don't have one penny to show for your all your effort. it does sound like to me, that you have messed up a good thing, but let's look at the bright side, you now have more time to spend doting on your wife. ha! as for your son, you need to launch a boot missile toward the crack of his assghanistan, because i'm sure that he's the one that got you caught by your misses.
u...u...u...unfotunately, your mornings will never go back to "the way things were," but it's never too late to start a new morning ritual. tomorrow when you're perusing your paper and drinking your morning coffee with your wife keeping watch, kindly write down your neighbor's address, and mail it to the rrw along with a 5x8 photo. i guarandamntee those blinds will be closed in a few days. and when she finally does leave her house, pay no attention to her walking bowlegged. i really appreciate the information.......
peace out!

a size sexy

crying over fat said...
rev, i have been with the same woman for 15 years. picture this, a size 6 in a sexy thong to an elephant in a not so sexy pair of granny panties. i have thought about asking her to have that surgery, you know, the one where you lose all that weight. please help me with my "FAT" problem!

dear crying,
the same woman for 15 years? i don't know whether to say congratulations or give my condolences. the rrw has never been able to keep the same woman for 15 months, but i think that i may be able to help you my brother!
let me preach on it.....

t...t...t...the first thing that you need to change is your perception of sexy. a skinny little size six is not a turn on, unless you live in some third world country where they marry their 13 year old cousins. trust me my brother, there is nothing sexier than a curvacious queen with a double digit dress size, that looks upstairs, like a dead heat in a zeppelin race. i don't know about you, but the rrw likes his womens to have fun bags that, during an act of circus sex, could possibly cause a concussion. forget smoking a cigarette after sex, the only place you can get the good morphine is at the emergency room. and why in hell would a piece of dental floss in the crack of some skinny little ass be a temptation? unless of course you wanted to play dentist. "excuse me miss, it seems you have a cavity" ha!

n...n...n...now as for the surgery, also known as gastroplasty or gastric bypass. gastroplasty combines the process of stomach stapling and a polypropylene mesh band around the opening of the created pouch. as most of the gastrointestinal tract is left intact, there are few micronutrient deficiencies, and initial weight loss is good. you will be a small chick in relatively no time. yet after long-term observance of gastroplasty, there have been many patients that have regained weight. surgery alone is insufficient - patients must change their lifestyle and eating habits or this procedure can be compromised.
over time, the pouch can dilate and serve as an increased reservoir, along for higher caloric intake and consequent weight gain. also, if your grandma doesn't make your payments on time, the hospital may repossess your surgery. since some patients have also experienced complications such as severe heartburn or erosion of the mesh, and other procedures have had dramatic successes, the popularity of gastroplasty has suffered in the us of a. also it can become quite expenive to buy unitards, to wear under your clothing, to hide all the lose skin. which is a repulsive thought. damn! i hope from now on, when you describe your wife, you will use the adjective 'phat,' because she sounds like a sexy seductress to the rrw!
peace out!